coming to truth

I'm taking a class right now about Christian ministry and education. Going into it, I wasn't sure what to expect and I daily reach that conclusion about what it coming next. I never know what the day will be like at 12:30pm when I walk into Doc's classroom. Today was an especially motivating and stirring day. Doc made it clear in the beginning of the semester that he wasn't teaching the class so that we could walk out each day smiling about being a "Christian." The point of the class is to talk about real thing involving Christian ministry and education and marinate on what we believe, why, and dig deeper into what we're unsure of.

Today we talked about three chapters we read out of Adventures in Missing the Point (McClaren and Campolo): Doubt, Women in Ministry, and Theology.
-- The following is a description of where I'm at, connections with class discussion, and what I'm doing here --
Starting with the authority of scripture and the authority that God has given us and what we are called to do with that. We are given authority and are called to submit that authority to God. Therefore, scripture is given authority by God and we are called to submit that authority to God as well. Yes, I believe that the Bible is God-inspired and breathed word, but I also believe that the writers and translators as humans put their own 2cents in the book as well. This brings me to the conclusion that I must submit the words of scripture to the translation of the Holy Spirit to give meaning to my own life and direction in following Christ's example. A wise friend paraphrased from the book The Shack and told me that the Bible isn't an instruction manual, yet it is the story of Jesus and how He lived - our guidance for how we should live. I believe that in all literature that we read we are to seek the Truth and guidance of the Holy Spirit.
Seek. Seeking. Seeker. Wow the implications - I strive to do and continue and be those three words in relation to the Truth.
The concept of seeking comes into play when discussing doubt. I have been learning how to positively and negatively doubt throughout the past four years. Doubt can be an important part of finding what is True and untrue if in our doubts and/or questioning we seek that Truth of God. It's not always easy to be in a time of doubt, but as I glance back at my times of doubt I realize the new learnings that came out of those times once I stepped forward into submitting my lack of knowledge, understanding, and faith to the Holy Spirit really in an act of faith to walk in the journey of new Truth being revealed.
I think I babbled a little bit, used a few too many commas, and maybe even too many words in my sentences - but that's how it came out.

I am striving to seek. To be a constant seeker, using my doubt for furthering my understanding and faith in the Truth.
I have an ultimate role model - Jesus. I have many earthly role models that I have seen to demonstrate many qualities of Jesus in a way that I can comprehend. I have many Biblical role models in which the Holy Spirit speaks through their written lives to show me what God means in saying that we are to live as Christ lived.
I love to read books expressing ideas about living like Christ, about being a "Christian" today, and about saints of old and new in order to seek the Truth that God wants me to glean from those writings.

This will continue, I pray to be able to encourage others through my acquired knowledge and given faith, that I can be a role model for others seeking a human with some Christ-like tendencies, and that I will embrace my doubt with a fervent desire to grow.

till the sun turns black

Ray LaMontagne is the way to go on a crisp morning with friends in North Carolina.
The beauty of this day in the hills of Brasstown on Bidstrup Acres is unexplainable. The mountains in the distance, over the treetops, past the river down below makes for a peaceful sound of rushing water as the window is cranked open. Love it. Love these ladies I'm getting to spend this weekend with. And love the Lord for what this moment is. A time of rest, separation from what we know, and acceptance of each other like you wouldn't believe in a group of five very different people coming together for just a couple common denominators. Our job that collaborates our love for the outdoors in different ways and our love for God as we continually seek communion with God and each other.
Shanti - Peace in Sanskrit What we have been given the opportunity to embrace this weekend.

right this instant!

That's it - the old line I remember from childhood - "Kelli, (insert command here) right this instant!"

It incapsulates the importance of it all. Right this instant, is the instant we should be thinking about. It is this instant that matters most and is the only one that we are totally certain that we have been given.

I'm not sure how many times I think about this blog and decide I'll get to it later. That I will save my musings for another day. That I will skip updating the world wide web on the goings on in my head from day to day and let it rest for tomorrow.

I am excited right now for what is today, for what is tomorrow, and most uncertainly for what is the future. It's odd to me that at the same time that I get convicted and gung-ho about focusing on today and putting my energies into the here and how I also get so stoked about tomorrow and the future that is so incredibly unknown to me. (So that sentence wasn't diagram-able, but I'll keep it anyway) I look at my list of things to do for class and yes, I want to complete those assignments and learn as much as possible, but I can't help but think to myself how much more rewarding and worthwhile it would be to write a little ditty on this blog, or call a friend I haven't talked to in a while, or a number of things that don't involve getting a good grade. I want to graduate and finish strong this semester, but it's quite the oxymoron being a senior in my last semester at college... Think about it - you have a final semester to take the classes necessary for you to graduate and gain the degree you've poured yourself into for the past few years, but at the same time this is the last stent of time that you will live in a confined community with your closest friends just a stone's throw away and the ability and energy to conquer the world at a moment's notice. How do they really expect you to focus on schoolwork? Really?

So right this instant, make haste, rejoice for we have been given this moment! This moment that will be filled with whatever we open the lid and let it be filled with. How exciting!?

I praise the Lord for these realizations and these times of rejuvenation of heart. I'm not sure what it was I was looking for, but at that point was exactly the time that God swept a breath of "right this instant" over my face, demanding my full attention and life. If I only have this moment, and there is always the opportunity to be a more loving person - I hope that every day I can recognize those moments that make it so easy not to be that person and I can be reminded of the charge to make haste.

it's a family affair

Yowza. This word continues to enter my vocabulary lately, I like it!
My last fall semester came to a close in early December with the graduation of some really wonderful friends from Berry. Standing in my townhouse with my housemates Amanda and Emily, as I closed the door behind my roommate (of 4 years), Kimmy, emotions flooded unintentionally. I leaned against the door and felt my eyes fill and my mind wander into what would happen next. The three of us had an unforgetable moment of real life -- A handful of tears, a million laughs, and all in a split-second's time. I hadn't realized until that exact moment how much I was going to miss Kimmy, and what her leaving meant for my time remaining at Berry. In May I will be closing the door behind myself with no one left inside our empty townhouse - this book is closing and I want to remember every moment I've spent and every ounce of knowledge I have gained.

Over this Christmas/Winter break I have realized this grandeur dream is quite impossible. I took the charge (that I gave myself) to clean out my belongings and trim down what I have in my possession and for some reason among that stuff were my course materials from all of my Berry classes freshman year. I was glancing over things I had learned and the notes I had written and sadly recognized that the things I learned three years ago have not stuck entirely. A sigh was released, and then I accepted it. Eh - oh well, just gives me more room in that brain of mine to learn new things!

I've had the opportunity to spend this past semester and this holiday season with people that I consider my family and that I love dearly. They know who they are and it would take way more time than we have here to mention them all - I'm just thankful for it!

As of right now I'm spending my free time investigating where I'm going to be heading after graduation in the Spring. Life goals as we know it are: minister to youth inside and outside of the wilderness, teach them outdoor adventure skills that I love that they don't normally get the chance to experience, connect loving and encouraging adults with growing youth to form positive relationships based on honesty, overall growth, and spiritual exploration... Those are just some very important things that I want my "dream job" later on to include. As of right now, if I can fins something that relates to any of that it would be great, but really I'm looking to experience new places, learn new things, meet new people, and somehow get paid while doing all of the above here and there =)

new understanding

My dear friend and roommate Kimmy and I had just left a pot luck dinner after each giving a speech at an induction ceremony on what is considered "Mountain Campus" at Berry when the sunset struck me and we had to drive to one of my favorite spots to enjoy it. To the left is a picture of me and then a picture of just the sunset each taken between dancing like we were in Merry Christmas Charlie Brown and making fools of ourselves just because we could. The sunset was unbelievable, especially with the mountains, trees, and a small resevoir in the foreground.

This week has been something else... I've arrived at a few bits of new understanding. Not only have I had the unusual priveledge of having four classes canceled and a paper due date extended, but it's been an interesting chain of events and learning. Monday and Wednesday I picked up my friends' 3 year-old daughter Josey from school and was able to spend the afternoon with her. We played in the leaves and marveled at the crunching; we colored pictures of snowmen families; I cooked dinner while she sat on the counter, soaked it all in, and learned about coffee makers and ice; after dinner we watched Tom & Jerry; she played in my kayak after learning how to wash dishes (but getting bored after a few) and needless to say I think - I loved every minute of it and am thankful for the opportunity to love on this precious little girl. If you know me at all, you know this was the highlight of my week!

On top of hanging out with Josey, having coffee with dear friends which of course included beautiful conversation, I've been learning a ton inside and outside my classes and being able to relate it to my life. The quote of the week is from a cute little old lady that is in my History of Christianity class... "This whole diversity within religion thing just makes sense, as Christians we have the same core belief when we take off all of the different stuff that we pile on top of it." She's so right. I thought about it - my core beliefs are: I believe in God, God created all that I see and don't see and did so out of love, God is love and has shared that love through Jesus' life, death, and resurrection, and is continuing to share it through the Holy Spirit within us, I am called to love and serve God and others. That's about what I've got... Now on top of that I, and you too, have layers of things that I do as my practice of these beliefs and that's totally fine. We've all got our unique ways that God shows us that we are to live out our lives and faith.

That's where I'm at.

reinventing

This is the beauty of autumn at Berry in early November. The leaves are turning, some are on the brink, and many have fallen.

I've realized that with God, I'm reinventing my views and beliefs of what "religion" God is teaching me. I believe in God - no doubt, and I know that I found God through the Christian faith and for that I am thankful. I also believe that I will continue my connection with this God that I know - this God of love and God that is Christ. What I also believe is that God chooses how God wants to connect to each of God's children. God interacts very differently with each of us as unique children of God because of our specific needs, culture, knowledge, etc. I still believe that I am called to share the love of this God that I know and to follow God's teachings and seek God's direction for my life.

God has continually opened my eyes to wonderous aspects of the Divine that I cannot fully comprehend, but that I appreciate and strive to learn more about and to cling to. I have been blessed with an open mind and a yearning to learn and for that I am forever grateful. I love that I have been created this way and pray that I can share that with others. At this point in my life I am learning a tremendous amount about philosophical arguments, religious history, my beliefs and views of God and religion, and how badly I want for God to be the all encompassing love within my life - rather than a part of my life. Yes, I can debate philosophical arguments with the best of them on either side and seem quite unbiased, but from that I learn where my opinions and beliefs lie more deeply because I know all corners of the issue. Learning is a passion of mine and I don't take it lightly. I want to learn as much as possible and I believe that all learning will effect my life in some way. I love that.

The God I love and follow is a God of peace - not confusion.

this semester is closing in

Autumn was like a flash - it seems like the weather is trying to turn into winter way too quickly... I'm hoping that the leaves will take their time to change and fall, and that we'll still have some warm days with chilly nights before the cold, wet winter presses through for good.

This fall semester has been flying by right before my eyes - midterms have passed and today, I registered for my last semester of my undergraduate career (possibly my college career all together). The past two ish months have been interesting, fun, busy, challenging, and startling. I've enjoyed being at Berry again, but my taste of the outside is getting the better of me. I'm getting excited about a new life, excited about new opportunities and growth outside of the bubble, I'm getting sad about leaving my friends that I've lived with and grown with, and I'm realizing that my mind is finding it hard to focus on matters of academia when the near future is blazing in front of me! I constantly tell myself to live in the moment, live in today, but at the same time I look to the future and envision an abundance of knowledge, life, and of course hardships and challenges, but none the less - my heart is leaping for this change of pace.

I was talking to my mom on the phone today and we're signing my truck into my name, rather than my dad's name and my name... It will be my full responsibility now - not partial. Struggling with the insurance company lately made me realize some of the benefits of things like that in being attached to my parents as a dependent. Not for long. Never will I be fully unattached from my parents, but in some aspects I will be. This freedom is enlivening and frightening. I like it. It's amazing to me how many feelings can rush through you all at once and it be so difficult to figure them out and try to decipher what exactly your body is telling you... I can't comprehend how our bodies work and it astounds me - I love it! We are such intricate creatures made so precisely and purposefully. God throws me for a loop in every circumstance. In my mind, I understand not everyone thinks this way, God (as we have decided to call that infinite being living in everything we see and don't see) is unmistakable - I cannot make myself ignore God or what God has created, done, or is doing. I am uncapable of not seeing God in the intricately woven simplicities of this world.

I'm overwhelmed sometimes by what all makes up this world we live in, the bodies we inhabit, and the people we interact with. It's all so interesting and amazing... Beauty.

I can write on and on here, but really I'm supposed to be writing a paper for my History of Christianity class and preparing a presentation. That will come soon enough - well hopefully very soon seeing as how it's due tomorrow afternoon! I'll spare you anymore floaty descriptions of where I sit right now and get to working on things that have to get accomplished in the real world. =) This degree has to be completed - it's the nature of how we live... it's important here and now.